Go Braless/ G(r)o(w) Numb

 It is so hard to remember we are loved

going from full to empty in a single sigh

our mouths full of why we want to leave

and how we long for home

taking turns on the front steps

facing the future

knowing we get to come back in

for now

The sun came out today

there is so much more than how you are feeling

tangible, post­-orgasmic place of zen, bouncy legs, collagen

I ended up squeezing 7 lemons and pulverizing 3 hands of ginger pouring it through the cold brew strainer

unhinged,

               

my jaw, 

            until it dropped to the floor

           

      

No Problem At All

46,000 steps from the west to the east and then back

Fuck the patriarchy

A man who called himself King Daniel stopped me on the street and insisted I take £20 and buy something nice for my mother

Fuck the patriarchy

 the phrase “no problem at all”

Fuck the patriarchy 

Plain scone with jam and clotted cream

Inching

I woke up early

    found the cat curled up beside me, 

        ten years of inching closer

            this is my most mutual love story

but as it goes, 

                    love isn't something I have always been able to speak

                                something I never witnessed unless on TV

                                        

I thought I found it on the top bunk, in the bathroom, in the back seat of the bus

            and yes sure it takes self-love or trust or complete disregard for all of the above

Now here I am teaching the words to how we feel,

            how to express yourself 

                        how to try to mend

                                how to deal

but shit really me

            the fucking queen of goodbye, the cold shoulder, eye roll, never reply 

      love hands down is what it is all about, our actions, the things that we say, 

                                               being there, and shying away

      I find the most important thing you can do is listen, remember, and be truly you

but let me digress 

                         something happened

                                                yet it seems has always been

I noticed it                       

hearing them say my name 

and how all of a sudden

I fucking love holding hands

wanting things to stay the same

while uprooting and completely change

It feels like

things  are never going to plan

but 

I don't want to talk about the mistakes

I do want to talk about what parts that I've missed

try to put together the parts of you I don't get to know

and then there  is

kissing

            the good kind

                              the slow

                                        

the thing that continues to rot all this good

the fear of it ending

even though all things do

and they should

I guess there is always 

that maybe this time

it won't

                     

                                    

Releasing Fear For Fuck Ups

I don't even remember the half of it

                    allegedly

vast swathes of grainy misspeakings

eggs floating, all the yellow covered up

        this sweet little half-life

shhhhhh...  she's thinking

I 

    want 

                undertones

                       

my fingers interlace behind you

the female desire to not listen to myself

metastasize me, honey,

       parallel erosion

I 

    want    

        you

to  understand

it's a mouthful, the clasp broke

            shouldering in her own defense

needless to say

Body Body

you know what 

now that I found it

the curves how they go in and then out it

makes me feel 

like we both should be shouting

we both should be making time 

carving it out 

now

my hand 

even likes holding

the parts I hoped 

yours wouldn't go to

but it's slow

the way everything falls off

a little more

feels good 

too good

like no one should know

The Golden Child: A commentary on work ethic and the working class hero

Dad retired

I took him out for sushi

I don't think he liked it

I insisted on paying since I'm the only one with a job now

I could tell this was very hard for him

Read the Prayer of Peace at Zach's Bar Mitzvah

I was fucking nervous, but had no right

He literally had to speak in Hebrew for like 4 hours

It was something, to be a guest, where I once was the help

Worked a triple shift over Halloween

every part of my body hurt 

As I left the bar my face dripped coffee oils and beer foam

my black turtleneck was covered in garlic butter from the tray of apps

that the lady in a blowup dinosaur's tail whipped off the table and I barely caught mostly with my chest,

I watched the streets fill with 20 somethings and I just wanted to go home.

I am going to buy myself a new set of sheets

blinds that roll up and down instead of being tied together with string

Enrolled in my last three community college classes before student teaching

I started getting the Sunday New York Times delivered straight to my door step

and the idea was I would sit on the couch with my coffee and read the paper

with my fake fireplace and clearance rack candle

    but my shift starts at 8:30 and the paper arrives at 8:00

            so I look through the magazine as I wait for my tips.

We have these ideas on how things are or aren't

    I can convince myself that this is how I want it to be

        I like me, because I am all these things

            I can keep myself up, by continuing to improve

                Here is where I am, today

I can do that as long as I am comparing myself to me

not what I imagine you compare me to.

                        I can not, be that.

 

Synthetic Oil

 sober bb on the green line going west

waking up is easy

now it's all the rest

Alternating freezing and thawing temperatures

form long dark scars on the trunks of spruce trees 

A warm front suddenly plummets

the outside contracts more quickly than the inside

causing rapid splitting

Cold, still air carries sound well amplifying the sudden sound of wood cracking

9/29/2020

It doesn't end it starts over

    falling temperatures

        falling apart

            feeling whole

                glutted bb

Orange sky

    moments, ingots, stored buried

Mornings where I feel myself gather

    no time to rewound

        doubt can fuck off

 Deciduous parts fall along the way

    but remember

            these are not words lost.

    

On the boundaries

I FEEL I EXIST ON THE BOUNDARIES

    BUT AM GOOD AT BLENDING 

         THE UNIVERSAL THRUTHS REVEALED 

             THROUGH SEEING MYSELF IN YOUR EXPERIENCES 

                 AND MY FALSEHOOD REVEALED WITH MY CONTRA. 

 HERE WE ARE SOMEWHERE BETWEEN SCIENCE AND ART. KNOWING AND FEELING. 

 I CAN NOT SAVE ANYONE. 

    NOT EVEN MYSELF. 

         THAT PART OF ME IS ALL USED UP. 

ALL I HAVE LEFT IS TO SIT HERE, BESIDE YOU, AND ALLOW YOU TO EXIST AS YOU ARE. MY YOU, ALWAYS SHIFTING FROM THE UNIVERSAL AND THE HONORED. 

 THAT'S THE ARCHITECTURE. THE STRONG BEAMS BETWEEN PUBLIC AND PRIVATE.

 ALWAYS SEEKING BALANCE. 

        

                                 ALWAYS WANTING TO TIP THE SCALES.

never never never

But

 i never said no

so you sat a little closer 

and i never moved away

never never never 

i say your name too causally too often

we lay, you holding my side

pressing my chest up

          protecting my heart

blue

waiting for your chef d'oeuvre
waiting for anything to happen
words pendulous
tasks abdicated
just the cicadas
its not till now
with the fastidious concern
to do well
proving wrong the contemptuous
is all success expedient
aquiline beaks
seems tawdry


these are the tenses that define us now: past tense, back then; future tense not yet.

i'm reducing

do small towns have apartment buildings?

my dress is too small cause i washed it in warm with the towels 

dad made it to christmas 

but his hair didn't

love poem

Roses are red
violets are violet
and sometimes I guess blue
my gum is getting old
and harder to chew
so my jaw is getting sore
and my tongue is getting bored
so you're like new gum

our capital sank with him

with shrimp holding their hearts in their heads
i wallow in tender hollow
seems silly to try and play the games
when he is so willing to swallow
clear as the water in man made lakes
i hold off for whats to follow
lowly lowly
holding strong
we make believe
right and wrong
i need nothing more
than this
tuck in the lure
throw back the fish
slowly slowly
to reply i am not
willing to compromise
set in stone
stone of sand
washing backward

ode to the worst and healthiest salad i have ever had (refusing sexist menus) (blockage) (table manners/ punks)

thank you for helping me run fast enough to catch my train cause my insides wanted out and i thought i was going choke on the taste in my mouth from your green on green notes in the puddle of flax that slide through my insides while at the table near the kitchen where you have to move so the server doesnt spill the tray of pbr he is bringing to the table near the bar where they could have just reached over  if it werent for the couple not talking but sharing vegan nachos and only that. they just sat there and dipped there dips into dip till chip had no crunch as to be even quieter as to make sure they wouldnt make a dent in sheet of metal in the air that bounced conversations around and thats how i heard that its over lets face it word for word i couldnt look but i felt bad for the cook cause this salad was the worst shittiest salad and that pasta looked nice and i have a feeling they aren't going to notice the parsley was torn and not diced

yr a cute one

the split-levels such as ours were scattered like tawdry cousins among these statelier storied homes

somewhere between

somewhere between you pulling out and away when you fall asleep
or how you kiss me best when she is in the room
the first real talk
how wet the bed is
waking up before you
meeting all your friends
not thinking of you first
your hand on my knee, my back, my thigh
kisses goodbye
forgetting what time it is
not asking what you're thinking
putting my bra back on
putting my bra back on
putting my bra back on
maybe that look means he
wanting to scream it out loud
then i'm somewhere between
watching me dress
keeping my hair in my face
laughing
its too hot
its too cold
you take all the blanket
she took all the pillows
you wishing i was someone else
but i am someone in between