his complicated and paradoxical persona and for his extreme moralistic and ascetic views

always always always

i am not suppose to be here right now

i am suppose to be down stairs

but my sister and i ran off

and she smoked a camel light 

where the koi pond use to be

we never have had much in common

but we can just sit next to each other

and start laughing

in many ways we turned out the same

and in many ways she is better

and i prayed over aunt kathy today
i prayed as i did as a little girl

and i asked him to bury these things

with her and that she would understand

and i thanked him as i did as a little girl

and while i stand here in the highest room of the house 

next to the bells

its really fucking cold

and i feel the closest to god i have ever felt

and i feel the furthest from god i have ever felt

and sometimes i hate how you think you have to be so funny
how everyone has to have this tone
and how nobody is ever just
being soft
or how it sounds like it sounded last time
but then sometimes i hate how honest you are
and how often you are
and how you are being so sincere
and how you never hide a little to give me something to do

the other day he saved me a cup of coffee and held the door and checked up on me to make sure i was ok and i am sure i don't believe in love anymore and i am sure that this is nothing more than him being a regular person doing regular person things well regular nice person things but it felt like the most important things the nicest and most important things

alternative title:

words with friends// fission-fusion // you don’t know how nice that is //

not a care in the world

we found a dumpster full of still hot pizza


my strap snapped on my backback


my bike chain is so rusted


it broke off


if i never turn my phone back on


its not my fault


my dealer is depressed so i cant reach them anyway


i woke up on the floor next to you i am not sure what happened 

 its ok

theres more to you molly grue

in austria it is thought
women should take up as little space as possible

aunt kathy is hooked up to like
a million machines
cause her lungs collapsed
and i mean really we all know
she is going to die
and everyone is throwing around
i'll pray for ...
while everyone is smoking
and saying "if only she took better care of herself"
and i can't stand it

but
to be fair

i am so tuned out these days
its like
when i said it was ok
like right now
which
is not ok though

i might even be bored
isn't that the worst thing

kathy would take pictures of the rows of crab apple trees
that lined the path between the houses
on the family property
and send them to me come spring
cause when i was 7 i wrote her a letter
telling her the tree
in our front yard bloomed
and it reminded me of how
her hair smells

it's still framed in her hallway
by the blue bathroom
with the porcelain goose
with the polka dot bow

she always took up lots of space
it seems the worst thing
to keep her tongue
pressed down
by a thick tube
and her hands
laced in with needles

i am sitting cross-legged on the floor of a train museum

"i have agreed once and for all to submit to my inferiority. and yet i am not stupid. i realize that it may be necessary to think further than i do, and perhaps otherwise. i am waiting only for my brain to change, for its upper drawers to open. in an hour, and perhaps tomorrow, my thinking will have changed, but this present thought exists, i won't let my thoughts be lost."
       - antonin artaud

maybe

do you ever just feel so much
you can't say anything at all

you can't get yourself to roll over
and ask for them to touch you
because you are

and because last time

you want to know that
in some way
you are doing something right
when everything is going wrong
and you know its all going to end anyway
because you can't stop it
and because you can't
change
how you feel so much
that you can't talk


were you too scared to tell him
to put the condom on
did you keep it

do you ever draw hearts on your wrists
to remind your self to stop eating
but forget about it till you watch it wash off
into the dishes

why a heart?

was it easier for you to forgive your father
than yourself

adjustment disorder

sometimes you stand in the middle of the grocery store and just hold the kale tightly because it the only thing you are sure is ok