always always always

i am not suppose to be here right now

i am suppose to be down stairs

but my sister and i ran off

and she smoked a camel light 

where the koi pond use to be

we never have had much in common

but we can just sit next to each other

and start laughing

in many ways we turned out the same

and in many ways she is better

and i prayed over aunt kathy today
i prayed as i did as a little girl

and i asked him to bury these things

with her and that she would understand

and i thanked him as i did as a little girl

and while i stand here in the highest room of the house 

next to the bells

its really fucking cold

and i feel the closest to god i have ever felt

and i feel the furthest from god i have ever felt

and sometimes i hate how you think you have to be so funny
how everyone has to have this tone
and how nobody is ever just
being soft
or how it sounds like it sounded last time
but then sometimes i hate how honest you are
and how often you are
and how you are being so sincere
and how you never hide a little to give me something to do

the other day he saved me a cup of coffee and held the door and checked up on me to make sure i was ok and i am sure i don't believe in love anymore and i am sure that this is nothing more than him being a regular person doing regular person things well regular nice person things but it felt like the most important things the nicest and most important things

alternative title:

words with friends// fission-fusion // you don’t know how nice that is //